Dealing with Rejection - Headed for College

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” Alexander Graham Bell. Admissions decisions for selective colleges will be released in the next few weeks. We hope that you receive good news! Unfortunately, the overwhelming majority of high school students who applied to very selective colleges —90% or more—are going to get the dreaded rejection.

“We regret to inform you that your application for admission has been rejected by our admissions committee…”
“We are writing you to inform you that, unfortunately, we are not able to offer you admission to our University…”
“The Admissions Committee has carefully reviewed your application to [insert the name of your dream college]. After thoughtful consideration, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place in the Class of 2029…”

If your admissions portal gave you bad news, this blog post is for you! I got one of these letters—many years ago when it was much easier to get into highly selective colleges—and I survived to write this blog. UCLA was not my first choice. When I got the thin envelope (decisions used to be mailed), my mom said, “Everything happens for a reason.” This was of no solace to me. I was heartbroken, but my senior year went on. I graduated, and off to UCLA I went. I loved it. I met my husband and stayed geographically close to my family, which ended up being a real gift. Having worked as an education consultant for more years than current high school seniors have been alive (talk about feeling old!) and shepherding two sons through the process, I have learned a lot. Admissions decisions are based on many things you cannot control, such as:

The mood of your reviewer
Preferences/legal requirements for in-state versus out-of-state students
The number of spaces dedicated to athletes, VIPs, and students who deferred
The competitiveness of other applicants
Your high school’s relationship/track record with the college
The number of applicants to a given major
Biographical factors like race, geography, or income
Your gender, ethnicity, citizenship, and where you live
Institutional priorities

That last one, institutional priorities, is often the most significant and the one we know the least about because they change every year based on budgets, faculty, donations, and the applicant pool. When admissions decisions are very surprising, we chalk it up to institutional priorities. In my Class of 2024, I had four students who were truly outstanding. All four applied early. Three got rejected by their first-choice college. Where did they end up? Harvard, Harvard, and CalTech. Institutional priorities! What does it actually mean when you are denied? Is there something you didn’t do? Is there something wrong with you? If you are a competitive applicant, both in terms of academics and extracurriculars, all it means is that your shiny puzzle piece did not fit the mosaic the admissions committee was putting together. Maybe they needed someone just like you but from another state. Maybe they had too many applicants from your area or too many to your planned major. Maybe someone from your high school fit their mosaic better, and they only wanted to take one kid from your school. Maybe they have not admitted a student from your high school for years, and they opt to “deny the school.” (Yes, that’s a thing, and that means no applicant from your school is seriously considered). The truth is, you’ll never know why you weren’t admitted. You could ask for feedback from admissions, especially if you made a connection with the rep, but you’re likely to get generalized statements that equate to “we had too many qualified applicants…” Being denied does not mean that you weren’t good enough. Being denied does not mean your hard work was a waste of time. Being denied does not mean you should have done something different. Being denied does not mean that the B+ you got in 9th grade Geometry doomed you. Being denied does not mean that you won’t succeed in life. Being denied does not mean no other college will admit you. So, what should you do if you’re denied? Allow yourself to be miserable for a while. Express your anger/pain/frustration/disappointment/embarrassment—whatever you’re feeling. Cry, mope, yell, kick a ball, cut name that school’s sweatshirt into tiny little pieces. Then, go to a place that makes you happy, eat your favorite food, spend time with your favorite people, avoid social media, and remind yourself that you’re awesome. You’re not alone. In fact, you’ve joined the club of people who did not get into their first-choice college, and you’re in great company: Warren Buffet (billionaire investor), Tina Fey (actress), Barack Obama (do I need to tell you who he is??), Tom Hanks (Academy Award-winning actor), Steven Spielberg (Academy Award-winning director), Sergey Brin (co-founder of Google), Doug McMillon (CEO of Walmart) and countless others. Do not let this disappointment define you. Do not assume this means you will never be happy again. Don’t second-guess yourself, blame a teacher, your counselor, or anyone else, or write nasty emails to the admissions office. There is nothing fair about college admissions. Pick yourself up and move on. Start by revisiting your options. If you have applications yet to be completed, get them finished and submit them. Do more research on colleges that fit your criteria (academics, size, location, weather, etc.) and have more reasonable accept rates—AI such as ChatGPT is helpful for making college lists based on multiple criteria. Look for colleges that have higher admit rates than the one(s) that denied you. How you handle this experience and what you learn from it matters — you’re likely to experience disappointment again in college, in relationships, in your job search, and in your career. It is inevitable. There are over 2,700 four-year colleges and universities in the United States. The overwhelming majority of them would love to have you in their Class of 2029. You’re going to be alright!

Leave a Reply Cancel reply